January 2008
Happy New Year! It may be a bit "happier" for some than others. Isn't it such a spiritual privilege to experience the highs of knowing your Lord and Savior and having times in life that really, all seems to be going well, nothing huge going on, just pure Praises!!!? That is a favorite time for me in my walk. It is a bit easier in the Faith Department while in these times of spiritual privilege. But I suppose it is also a privilege to walk the rocky roads set out before us. I am starting out my New Year on a treacherous hike! Too bad I can't lose some weight from this kind of hike!
As 2008 begins, I have some struggles. Bear with me during this part, because the good part comes afterward. I have to complain a bit to get to that good part though. I got sick the week before Thanksgiving. I've been sick ever since. As soon as I think I've turned the corner to wellness, I get bad all over again. I have battled some extreme fatigue along with this, chalking it up to my MS, as this is a very common symptom I have to deal with in my battle with this disease. I've also figured fighting sickness will wear anyone out! As all of this has been going on though, Bill and I have faced some challenges in parenting....some pretty tiring challenges that have escalated on us. Davis was diagnosed and placed on medicine for ADHD this past summer after a very challenging and emotional end to his Kindergarten year. It seemed to fester in him as the year went by, and he handled it okay in school, but we watched Davis go from our laid back, spiritually joyful kid to our uptight, angry, disturbed little boy. We went through an evaluation process for him at the end of Kindergarten. We have been and really still are going through the trials of finding that medicine which best helps him. He was extremely blessed in his placement for first grade. His teacher has been the perfect one for the trials he is facing. She is a strong Christian, and God is working in their relationship. While I say this, it is still a tough challenge dealing with the emotions that come with parenting an ADHD child. Not just the emotions for the child, but for the parents and the rest of the family. It is a family health need, not just the child's health need! Anyhow, while sifting our way through this, some concerns that we've had on and off again for our oldest, Daniel have come to a higher level of concern. I won't go too into detail with this for his protection. We don't yet know exactly what issues we are facing, but there are some, so we are in the heat of his full Psychological Educational Evaluations.
In the mean time, he is becoming extremely difficult to handle at home, to help, to live with basically! He is great while he has us to himself and while he is at school (thank God!), but while any or both siblings are around, the obnoxious beyond belief behavior kicks in, and there is no going back. He winds up in trouble. He is showing other red flag behavior and making comments too, that cause us great concern for his emotions at this time. We do realize what gifted children we have, that God blessed them greatly with high intelligence, with loving, sensitive hearts, with athletic ability and good health, with great friendships. But the concerns, the trials sometimes become more than I can bear. I grow extremely weary with it all on my shoulders, our shoulders seemingly at the same time. The ups and downs in praying over this, being sick, dealing with it all, trying to keep our spiritual household just that, it is so very trying. I have my challenges too with my 4 year old daughter who messes up our entire house in no time flat and we have to pull teeth to get her to clean it up (this is constant, all day, every day), so I am weary of this. While I do praise my Lord each day, while I do trust in Him, while I do have faith that He's got it, I have days (like today) when I cry out to Him. I selfishly become angry, resentful, impatient, and I give that to Him as well. I cry out to Him how much I love Him, but I also cry out to Him about the bitterness I am fighting, the resentment toward Him for a lot of this, and do you know what? The good part is about to come!!! Hang with me. He listens. It doesn't always seem like He is. This is where the Faith and Trust have to be the foundation of your relationship with your Savior!!! It isn't just my parenting frustrations, but the fact that I battle MS, the fact that my knees are bone on bone in my thirties and I get to look forward to knee replacements, the fact that I worked so hard to get healthy and now with arthritis setting in, constant pain somewhere in my body, ailments all over the place, and I'm in my thirties, and I struggle in taking care of my health and body. I'm working now on finding time in my schedule to get back into my regular exercise program, asking God for exercises that aren't painful and damaging to my already debilitating joints and bad for my MS. It seems I can't win for losing. So I cry out to God. Not just the "I'm mad at you right now cry", but the, “I'm mad at you, but I still love you, and I still trust you, and I still have faith in you, and I still know that you love me, but GOSH DARN IT!, give me some open doors! Give me guidance, give me answers, give me peace, give me, give me!” The “I, I, I,,,,cry”. I mentioned earlier that I "selfishly" become frustrated, right?
To my point....While I had a good, Cry Out To The Lord session this morning when my family was at church, while I wanted to be at church and hear the awesome message God always plans out for us through Tommy, while I wanted to "make a joyful noise" with the band and you choir members, I just couldn't. I needed rest, and I needed to cry. I needed some "special time" with my Savior. So I took it. And do you know, that during this time, I begged Him, "Please God, I am growing so weary, so exhausted in this walk, I keep praying to you, I keep listening for your answers, for your guidance, I've tried to stay out of your way while listening for when you want me there, I need your help, God. I cannot continue going through my days, putting on a happy face when I need to and then crashing at home. I am tired, I am shutting down, and I need your boost. I begged him this morning to show me something, ANYTHING to keep me going this week. Low and behold, God has honored this request! I can't explain it any better than to copy exactly what I sent to my dear friend, my very special sister, my mentor just this evening.
I have been opening up emails I've either missed or just simply haven't had the energy to open and read tonight. I have received God's boost. It began when I ended my Cry Out To The Lord, devotional quiet time, Cry Out To The Lord, prayer time, Cry Out To The Lord session this morning. I ended that, and I committed to listening. As I listened, I prepared the lesson to lead Disciple for Monday night, then finished a novel I've been reading (one of the Yada Yada Prayer Group books). God has given me Romans 8:28 at least 4 or 5 times via my book, emails, devotions, etc., just since this morning!
When our eyes are fully opened, when our hearts are ready to receive, we are spiritually privileged in God's grace, mercy, and love. Romans 8:28 reads something like this: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." You see, had I just skimmed this verse in my Bible or somewhere else just once, or had I not committed to LISTENING, it would have spoken to me, sure. But I never would have received this as the boost I asked God to give me. It is because I was LISTENING, and because my eyes were open, and because my heart was ready to receive, that I noticed this scripture verse so many times and received this message from my God. People ask me how I know God is speaking to me. He speaks to me in various ways, but through scripture repeated to me over and over again in a short time, which directly relates to my prayers God speaks to me. It takes listening in this capacity to know it is God speaking. I'm just not sure in these situations going on in my life, in these emotions I am dealing with, that I would have been fully ready to receive God's message had I not been "on my knees", "feeling desperate for Him". This isn't the scripture I would have chosen for my answer on this one. There are so many! But you see that is why I am not God and He is. He knows what is best. So by my faith in Him, and through my trust in Him, I accept this as my answer, and I am ever so grateful....no, "PRIVILEGED!" Below explains a little of my revelation here:
(Portion of an email between my friend and me):
"Okay, this is amazing! After the Cry Out To The Lord session I told you about in my previous email, I am reading all these messages on my email that I either missed or simply haven't had the energy to get to. Beginning with the time it showed up at the end of the novel I finished just after my Time With Him this a.m., I am seeing this scripture verse, Romans 8:28 for like the fourth time!!!!.............(stuff I mentioned above that I won't repeat again).......I begged Him to show me something. He has had my attention, but now I think He is getting my understanding. I am seeing something He is showing me, but what do I do with it? How do I wrap it around my heart, guarding it from all that has me on my knees?...I guess I don't guard it, I cushion it! Hence the whole purpose (or one of the main ones anyway) of this scripture verse. God gave me Romans 8:28 to tell me, "Yes, this is a rocky road, one of the hard times for you that I never promised against Sonya, but as you take this treacherous hike, as you cry out to Me, hear one of my responses: I will make all things work for good in you and in your circumstances because you love me, because while you are frustrated, tired, depressed, angry, resentful, sick, sick and tired, a sinner, you are still crying out to Me! You can be mad at me Sonya. You can take out some frustrations with Me Sonya, but I know you love me, or you wouldn't be coming to Me on your knees, and because of this love, Sonya, I will make all things work for good in your life." Boy does this take the word, treacherous out of my description of the hike I'm on right now. It makes it just tiring!!! You see, treacherous means untrustworthy, but a hike with a God who is making all things work for good, well, that becomes "trustworthy". Tiring, yes. But treacherous, no. I thank God for the energy he offers through these revelations along the way. All I have to do is be ready to receive. For I can “do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13. Romans 8:28 promises His presence, His works. When He is present and working, there also lies His strength!
There are so many names for God, but today, this week, at this time in my walk, I look to Him as my Mighty Counselor! Praise Jesus! Happy New Year. It will undoubtedly get happier for me, because I have a God who is "making all things work for good in my life" as I do battle! Do you? If not, please pray the Sinner's prayer. Ask for forgiveness of your sins, confess and believe in your heart that He died for you. Invite Jesus into your heart to dwell in you. Thank him. Ask Him to be your Lord and Savior today and every day. Amen.
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